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921: Mitch Prinstein | The Perks and Perils of Popularity

Author and popularity expert Mitch Prinstein discusses the role of popularity from childhood to adulthood, the influence of physical attractiveness, how popularity affects our hormones and DNA, the dangers of seeking status, and how to escape the popularity trap.

Episode metadata

  • Episode title: 921: Mitch Prinstein | The Perks and Perils of Popularity
  • Show: The Jordan Harbinger Show
  • Owner / Host: Jordan Harbinger
  • Episode link: open in Snipd
  • Episode publish date: 2023-11-14
Show notes Can we cultivate the likability that accompanies popularity without yielding to its status-seeking negatives?
Popular author Mitch Prinstein weighs in!
What We Discuss with Mitch Prinstein:
- How the role of popularity changes from childhood to adulthood.
- How much does physical attractiveness influence our popularity (and what can we do to overcome its effects if we're not particularly gifted in the looks department)?
- How popularity affects our hormonal and neural responses - and even our DNA.
- The dangers of seeking status.
- How can we escape the popularity trap?

Episode AI notes

  1. The distinction between likeability and status in popularity: Popularity in high school is often associated with status, which is about power, influence, and visibility, rather than likeability. Likeability is about who likes you the most or the least and is prevalent until puberty, after which status gains more importance. The internet has made it easier to chase status and popularity throughout life, even beyond high school.
  2. The human brain has evolved to prioritize survival and social connection, triggering strong alert signals when it perceives a threat to tribal belonging. Our brains are highly sensitive to social rejection, and the rapid changes in society have caused a mismatch between our brain's desires and our current environment. The fixation on social status through social media and other platforms has created an artificial form of social connection that our brains are not adapted to.
  3. The tension between likeability and status arises from the desire to see someone naturally achieve high status rather than overtly seek it. Likeability leads to longer-term benefits such as happiness, better relationships, and improved health, with positive effects extending across generations. Seeking status can result in short-term gain but long-term risks, as it often comes with backlash. No one likes a seeker, as it appears unskilled and needy.

Quick Takeaways

  • Popularity is deeply rooted in our biology and evolution, shaping our experiences and opportunities.
  • Likability is a more enduring and positive form of popularity, associated with better relationships and overall health.
  • The influence of social media has reshaped societal perspectives on popularity, emphasizing external validation and often leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

Deep Dives

The Influence of Popularity on our Brains and Behavior

Popularity is deeply rooted in our biology and evolution, as it ensured our survival in tribal communities. We are wired to care about what others think of us, and this concern starts as early as elementary school. Our physical appearance and social status heavily influence popularity, shaping our experiences, opportunities, and learning. However, popularity is different from likability, as popularity often involves aggression and power dynamics, which can erode our likeability. Understanding the distinction between popularity and likability can help us navigate social relationships and strive for sustainable connections.

The Impact of Popularity on our Health and Well-being

Popularity, or status, has a significant influence on our lives even beyond high school. Research shows that popularity or lack thereof can impact our health, success, and overall well-being. Those with high status often go on to achieve more success as adults, while those with low status may face higher risks of substance abuse, anxiety, and other negative outcomes. However, it is important to note that likability is a more enduring and positive form of popularity, associated with longer lives, better relationships, and overall happiness.

The Role of Social Media and Modern Media in Shaping Popularity

The advent of social media and other modern media platforms has dramatically changed the landscape of popularity. Status-seeking and the pursuit of popularity have become more accessible and obtainable for individuals. The influence of social media, reality TV, and other forms of media has reshaped societal perspectives on popularity. Nowadays, there is a strong emphasis on online presence, number of followers, and likes as measures of popularity. However, this emphasis on status and external validation can often lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and an overall dissatisfaction with social relationships.

The Importance of Understanding the Distinction Between Likability and Status

It is crucial to recognize the difference between likability and status in our social interactions. Likability is based on genuine connections, kindness, and consideration for others, while status often involves aggression, power dynamics, and differentiation from others. Striving for both likability and status can be beneficial, but it is essential to prioritize likeability as it leads to longer-term fulfillment, better relationships, and overall well-being. Recognizing the impact of popularity on our lives, understanding the distinction between likability and status, and actively working towards nurturing authentic connections can help us build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

The Influence of Popularity and Conformity

Popularity is often equated with quality, leading people to conform their preferences to what is popular. Being part of the mainstream is seen as desirable, while being left out is feared. However, anti-popularity can also be a form of conformity, as individuals actively differentiate themselves from what is popular. Studies have shown that popularity can have powerful effects on behavior, with individuals emulating the actions of popular peers even when they believe they are not being observed. Social media amplifies these effects, as popularity is often equated with likes and online engagement, influencing how the brain processes information.

The Impact of Social Media on Self-esteem and Relationships

Social media, with its permanent, worldwide, and immediate nature, fueled by artificial intelligence, has become a perfect storm for popularity-seeking behavior. Adolescents, in particular, are susceptible to the desire for popularity, which can lead to negative outcomes such as loneliness, depression, and compromised mental health. The pressure to conform to physical standards and compare oneself to others on social media can have detrimental effects on body image and self-esteem. Additionally, social media interactions can hinder the development of social and relationship skills in teens, compromising their ability to navigate healthy relationships as adults. Parents play a crucial role in guiding their children's understanding of popularity, emphasizing the importance of likability and inclusivity over status-seeking behavior.

Snips

[10:43] The Distinction Between Likeability and Status in Popularity

🎧 Play snip - 1min️ (10:43 - 11:52)

✨ Summary

Popularity in high school is often associated with status, which is about power, influence, and visibility, rather than likeability. Likeability is about who likes you the most or the least and is prevalent until puberty, after which status gains more importance. It used to be that status was a high school phenomenon, but with the internet, individuals can pursue status chasing and cloud chasing throughout their lives.

📚 Transcript

Click to expand
Speaker 1

It's quite fascinating that there's some of those popular kids in one category are hated by many other people in other categories. And I know that in the book that leads you to talk about likeability versus status. And it sounds like those are different. Can you take us through that?

Speaker 2

Yeah, absolutely. If you stop anyone in high school or anyone who's been in high school and say popularity, they're not going to think about likeability, who likes you the most or the least. And that's because that kind of popularity, the kind we're all thinking about when you hear that word, that doesn't come on board until middle school. And we refer to it as status. It's really the extent to which you're known to be powerful, influential. You have a lot of visibility, prestige. That's different. In fact, some of the people with the highest levels of status out there actually have the lowest levels of likeability. So these are two totally different things. You only have likeability until you're about at puberty. And then suddenly you get the second form of popularity. Now it used to be that status was a thing that lasted throughout high school. And then that was it. The world has changed a lot in the last 20 years or so. And now you can be a status seeker for the rest of your life.

Speaker 1

Has that changed or has it just become easier to do? Are you saying that, hey, in the 80s popularity ended with high school or college? And now it's because of the internet you can just stay in high school or college through the rest of your life in terms of status chasing, cloud chasing.

[20:28] Evolution of the human brain and its mismatch with modern society

🎧 Play snip - 1min️ (20:28 - 21:37)

✨ Summary

The human brain has evolved to prioritize survival and social connection, triggering strong alert signals when it perceives a threat to tribal belonging. Rejection experiences can activate dormant DNA within 40 minutes, demonstrating the brain's powerful response to social threats. However, modern society's emphasis on artificial status through social media has created a mismatch, as our brains still seek social connection but are exposed to new, potentially harmful stimuli.

📚 Transcript

Click to expand
Speaker 2

So I'll tell you what our brains are developed for. They're developed to help us survive 60,000 years ago, which sounds crazy because that's so long ago. But from the perspective of the evolution of the human brain, 60,000 years is nothing. So they are designed to make sure that the minute we think we are losing our tribe, our brain is so much more powerful and it's a good word to give us huge alert signals and tell us that's A concern. And we see that today in my own research lab, we do simulated rejection experiences and we can see in people's blood within 40 minutes that dormant DNA has been turned on or off based on What just happened in social rejecting them in this mock way. It's incredibly powerful. And in the last 20 years or so we've completely changed society and the brain is still playing So we've got a big mismatch now. We've got brains that want us to get huge dopamine hits from social connection, but we've now created the artificial sweetener of social connection by this fixation on status, whether It's in social media or elsewhere. And that's a big concern. We are no longer living in the world that our brains are built for.

[34:45] The Tension Between Likeability and Status

🎧 Play snip - 2min️ (34:45 - 36:16)

✨ Summary

The tension between likeability and status arises from the desire to see someone naturally achieve high status rather than overtly seek it. While high status is admired, it often comes with backlash. Likeability, on the other hand, leads to longer-term benefits such as happiness, better relationships, and improved health, with positive effects extending across generations.

📚 Transcript

Click to expand
Speaker 2

I think that no one likes to set a seeker. We kind of want to just see that someone naturally got there. But also if you do it in such a blatant way, you're also pretty unskilled at it. So now you look needy at the same time. Yeah. You want someone to have status, unless as if they accidentally just fell into it, they weren't trying at all. But the higher status you get, the backlash is coming. We've seen that in so many cases, right? It's this interesting tension between likeability and status. We want people to be likable, but we admire people who have high status. And until talking about this with this book and with all the talks that I've done around the country on this, a lot of people had not realized, wait a minute, these are two different ways Of scratching the itch that I have as a human of wanting to be well regarded. They both can get me to happiness, but one is going to get me there fast, flame out, and probably have a lot of negativity associated with it. The other is me more enduring. And that's the problem. People don't recognize that difference. Status is related to short-term gain, but longer-term risk for depression, anxiety, addictions, emotions, firing, likeability, on the other hand, being really kind, considerate To others, focused on the group as much as yourself. That is related to longer life, less diseases, more money. It's related to better happiness in your relationships. It has an intergenerational effect. So it actually leads your kids to be better adjusted and for them to be happier too.